Well hello there. My name is Chris and I’m here to write a new column for your delectation. A few key facts about me: I’m English, I love learning foreign languages and I love games. Right now I’m looking for an opening into a dream job combining these things.
My intention is to write about interesting things happening in the video games industry and to keep you entertained. Rest assured I’ll have plenty to talk about in those slower news weeks or those weeks when I’ve been thinking deep and profound thoughts!
The gaming industry is under attack. Well, not really. Yet there are a few people trying to spoil gaming for everyone with their knee-jerk reactions and hate-fueled petitions.
Let’s begin with the hot topic of the moment; Duke Nukem Forever. It has just been delayed again, which won’t really come as a surprise to many Duke lovers out there. Yet the sinister reason behind this could be down to loud and annoying feminist Shelby Knox and her hollow-eyed followers petitioning to prevent Walmart from selling DNF and to get details of the game removed.
The problem is that in DNF’s Capture the Flag game mode (imaginatively named Capture the Babe) when carrying the babe you occasionally have to give her a “love smack on the booty” (Gearbox boss Randy Pitchford’s words) to keep her in check. That doesn’t sound that bad to me; it’s not like you’re punching her in the face, dismembering her in some way à la Dead Space, or even violating her (QI fans will know a good way to calm an angry dog is to slip a finger up its arsehole). So it could be worse.
But NO! Knox cries, “the Capture the Babe mode of the Duke Nukem game, which will be played primarily by young people [and] sends the message that physical and sexual violence against women is normal, acceptable, and even funny. It’s not – and we have to say so.”
Well I’m not sure what planet she lives on but here in the UK DNF is rated 18, in the US it’s rated M, so the people playing the game are old enough to know the difference between a video game and reality and people stupid enough to let their children get their hands on a copy of the game don’t get the right to complain. I spent my youth playing Mario but I have yet to grow a moustache and have never EVER jumped on a mushroom. Or a tortoise. And apparently young people won’t be playing the game in its entirety; they will primarily be playing the Capture the Babe mode. Oh really? These objections to DNF are already ridiculous but let’s push this thing past breaking point and actually look at the tone of the game itself.
We already know that Duke Nukem is the sort of game where you can blow some pigs up, go see a strip show and then stop off at the urinal before
going for a quick jaunt on your jetpack. So it’s not too serious then? Well screenshots of DNF tell us the big guy carries a book entitled Why I’m Awesome and I am sure I read that poo slinging will be a real possibility in DNF and if it isn’t it should be!
So in amongst all this excessive, outrageous tom-foolery and ego-fuelled hilarity are you going to single out and interpret a little slap on thebackside as a paradigm of sexual violence showing us how acceptable it is? NO. No more than you’re going to put on a pair of sunglasses, sling your shotgun over your arm and jetpack to the supermarket. Although if you did you’d have to go somewhere other than Walmart to buy DNF
Still, I can’t help but think of Frankie Goes to Hollywood’s Relax, which shot straight to No.1 in the UK charts after being banned from airplay. Is all this negative attention going to play in to Gearbox’s hands? I certainly hope so. It did for Bulletstorm, and that game was going to turn you into a rapist.
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