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The intricacies of teaching a female to play Portal 2


We all know that playing video games and having a girlfriend don’t mix very well. Your girlfriend always has a problem with how much time you spend sitting in front of that television with that controller in your hand. She always looks at you funny when you make a reference to Half-Life. And she always gets bored watching you play Nazi Zombies, thinking “Why the hell am I with this guy?”

Although, this may not be your girlfriend. Hell, your girlfriend might love spending an hour or two shooting up some Nazi Zombies with you! Your girlfriend might understand all the references you throw at her! Your girlfriend might even love video games! Although, this may seem too good to be true. Because there is always that one thing that you can’t stand: her inability to listen to instructions given to her throughout the game, and constantly calling various things “stupid”.

I was watching a friend of mine, who happens to be a girl, play Portal 2. First of all, it was on my computer. She literally said, “Why is WASD to move, that’s so stupid. The arrow keys are like, right there.” After spending about half an hour arguing over the controls, she finally started up the game! At the very beginning of the game, you are presented the controls and they give you time to get a feel for them. The very first control, moving, my friend says,

“How do you move?”

“It’s on the screen right there.”


“Right in front of you!”

“Where’s WASD again?”

“You just had it on your fingers”

“I thought you said it was to move”

“You are moving!”

“But I keep looking in one direction”

“You use the mouse to look around!”

The game continues (more like drones on with my friend playing) to where she has to navigate around her bed and stare at a magnificent piece of art at the wall. Doesn’t seem that hard right? NOT!

“Ok, what am I supposed to do?”

“Aren’t you listening to the guy? He’s telling you.”

“What guy?”

“Over the loudspeaker.”

“What loudspeaker?”

“Just listen again and you’ll hear him.”

“Where do I go”

“If you listened to him, you would know!”

“Where’s the painting?”

“On the wall”

“Which wall?”

“At the back of you!”

Imagine this going on for the first ten minutes of the game. I wanted to explode. So after what seemed hours, she finally has the portal gun!

“Does this shoot bullets?”

“No, it shoots portals”

“That’s stupid”

I seriously wanted to facepalm after that statement. She tries to shoot everywhere, on the dark walls, on metal walls, on white walls and other random shit.

“White walls! That’s where the portals pop up!”

“Stop shooting at that dark wall”

“You need to jump over that!”

“You’re supposed to fall into the portal from a height so you can fly out the other one!”

“Get the cube! Right in front of you!”

“Don’t put it in the water!”

“Don’t stand on the button, that’s where the cube goes!”

“The door won’t open unless you put that cube there!”

“No, you point the lasers over there! Not at the door!”

We got around a good five or six levels with about two hours of gametime. Those two hours were one of the most frustrating hours of my life. Why do I get so frustrated? It’s like watching someone type in the search box “” and then they hit “Search”.

Although, I love it when someone progresses at something they were horrible at. It finally “clicks”, even if it took a long time. My friend comes over every now and then to play and she is somewhat flawless at it. I love watching her play and she loves me watching her play. Bow chicka wow wow. But then when she starts playing Modern Warfare 2…”Am I the crosshair?” …Goddammit.

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